Thursday, June 9, 2011

It's getting a little funky around here...

So lately, I've been in a funk.  And not in the good, "get up off that thing, James Brown" kind of way, but an "ew, what's that funky smell in the fridge" kind of way.

My birthday is a week from today.  Usually, for those of you who don't know, I LOVE my birthday.  I try to stretch it into a whole week with festivities.  I'm awkward about receiving gifts, but I love that it's a time when I get to see the people in my life that I rarely see, when people make time in their schedules to be a part of my life for a day, or a night, or whatever.  I'll probably grow out of it at some point, but so far, I'm not so sure I want to.

This year, I'm down.  I'm turning 25.  I have a decent job.  I'm working on my education - slowly, of course, but working.  I'm pretty okay with most of my life, but for the last 2 weeks or so, I have been absolutely, earth-shakingly, depressingly lonely.  It's actually a little pathetic, if I'm being honest.  It's like I can't function, which certainly isn't helping with the whole "get over yourself" thing.

See, when I was a teenager, or at least until 17 or so, I didn't want to get married or do anything domestic.  I thought so differently than I do now.  But after I became a Christian, God totally changed my heart.  I want to be married.  I want to be a mom.  I want to experience familial relationships.  I want to tell my kids that I WILL turn this car around.  I want to make cupcakes for school snacks.  The domestic part of me awakened, and I think that it's God-given, like He's called me to something common, but good and as designed.

I always said (since I said I want kids anyway) that I really want to be a younger mom, one who can still play with her kids in sandbox and come up with cool ideas for them.  It doesn't really upset me that I haven't reached that stage in life, but lately, having been single for a long time and with not a single even potential prospect for relationship in my life, I feel like I'm going to die alone.  And if that's exaggerating, I definitely question whether I will be able to be the young mom I've always wanted to be. 

I'm almost 25.  And even if I met and started dating someone tomorrow (which is EXTREMELY unlikely), I'm thinking I'd be at least 30 before I could/would have kids anyway.  And that's not considering that I'd really like to adopt and there's a lot of time involved with that.  Nor is it considering that even if I had a biological at 30ish, it'd be a few years before I could actually play in the sandbox.  Okay, I'm going to stop crunching numbers in my head now, because I'm getting more depressed.

So anyway, all this to say that I'm in the funk, neck-deep.  I can't figure out how to get out.  I'm trying (if that's even a legitimate thing to do) to trust God, to be still and know that not only is He God, but He is God who loves me, has a plan for humanity that includes me, and has the power to work miracles that I can't even imagine.  I'm trying.  I'm trying to distract myself with other good things.  I'm trying to dig my way from the funk, but I'm just living there.  And I think I'm starting to grow mold that might cure a disease some day.

I'm praying, though surely not enough, for grace, because I'm at a loss for it.  I've got it in spades for the people around me, but the only thing I have for myself lately is self-pity and some good berating.

Here's to hoping that you're not living in your own funk, but if you are, please share the ladder.