Saturday, August 4, 2012


Have you ever had a moment where you stop, look around, and think "what the heck am I doing?"  That happens to me more than I'd like to admit (i.e. singing like a fool at stoplights, dancing in public, and anytime I'm in front of a camera), but sometimes those moments are more meaningful than others.

Lately, I've been swing on a mad pendulum between extreme, all-consuming contentment and "what the heck am I doing?".  During those peaceful moments, my satisfaction with my life is almost consuming, taking root in my soul and quenching my desire to do...just about anything really.  A good book, a nice day, time with family friends, comfortable silence, pride in a job well done - there's any number of things that bring this on for me.  Then, sometimes only an hour later, I take stock of what I'm doing and where I'm going and how far along I am, and it's the complete opposite - a gnawing, parasitic need for something sets in and I'm done.  I don't always even know what I'm looking for, but it's just more...or different...or elsewhere.  The best way I can describe it is "else".

I'm not sure what this says about me (except maybe that I could be prone to bipolar disorder) or if this applies to anyone else, but for now, I'm trying to find a bridge to get from "else" to satisfaction.  Maybe some magical switch that changes my clawing desire to sated bliss.  I'm sure there's grace for this - I don't think God ever intended for his people to be permanently in either state.  I think at our best we are both fulfilled and searching, but I'm hoping for a less tumultuous (and less frequent) pendulum swing.

Monday, February 20, 2012


The sad fact of today: Unless something major changes, I am likely going to end up alone.  And it will be my fault.

Sad realization of today: I can't even be vulnerable to my family.  The people who are supposed to inspire and foster vulnerability are perhaps the same as those who I feel least comfortable being vulnerable around.  How backwards is that?

I can do most kinds of vulnerability - just not with the same person, or even the same group of people.  If you could take 8-10 people from different areas of my life and compare truths and openness as it relates to me, you'd probably have a good picture of who I am.  But there is no place that those 8-10 meet except in those very real parts of who I am.  After (literally) years, sometimes one person might get a few more areas than originally were offered, but never all.

Will I ever be able to be truly vulnerable to someone?  This is usually the part of my supposedly-vulnerable blog (that no one reads) where I push the non-reader away and make a generalization or funny comment, but tonight, I'm just afraid.  If I can't let myself be vulnerable, I'm afraid my worst fear will come true and I will end up alone.  But what is worse: vulnerability betrayed or life alone?

I just don't know.  :(