Monday, February 20, 2012


The sad fact of today: Unless something major changes, I am likely going to end up alone.  And it will be my fault.

Sad realization of today: I can't even be vulnerable to my family.  The people who are supposed to inspire and foster vulnerability are perhaps the same as those who I feel least comfortable being vulnerable around.  How backwards is that?

I can do most kinds of vulnerability - just not with the same person, or even the same group of people.  If you could take 8-10 people from different areas of my life and compare truths and openness as it relates to me, you'd probably have a good picture of who I am.  But there is no place that those 8-10 meet except in those very real parts of who I am.  After (literally) years, sometimes one person might get a few more areas than originally were offered, but never all.

Will I ever be able to be truly vulnerable to someone?  This is usually the part of my supposedly-vulnerable blog (that no one reads) where I push the non-reader away and make a generalization or funny comment, but tonight, I'm just afraid.  If I can't let myself be vulnerable, I'm afraid my worst fear will come true and I will end up alone.  But what is worse: vulnerability betrayed or life alone?

I just don't know.  :(