Wednesday, April 24, 2013


Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Change is hard.  Especially when whatever you're changing from is pretty good.  The control freak in me sees a change coming and does whatever it can to micromanage before it comes, but too many times in my life, I haven't been able to stop it.  I guess because of that, I'm learning to accept it.  Things change.  People change.  Relationships change.  And that is really, truly, honestly okay.

My recent change in workplace has been a great change.  On the surface, yes, it's great to not be on call all the time.  The ridiculous amount of vacation is nice.   Really though, I like most of what I do, or at least that I'm turning out to be okay/good at it, and I really like the people I work with.  They're intelligent and hard working, at least for the most part, helpful and approachable.  It's a great environment.  Even though my brain rebelled against the change, it's been a good one.

Other changes are harder - relocating, losing friends, evolving faith, illnesses.  These things require flexibility that most people have a hard time with and, for me, faith that I sometimes lack.

The hardest part of my life, though, is when it doesn't change and I want it to.  Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still in the middle of a drag strip, watching the people around me speed toward the next goal, next prize at the drop of handkerchief.  And there's nothing I can do but wave to them in the distance and rejoice with them from afar.  I'm glad to say that I can actually do that - there was a time in my life that jealousy kept me from enjoying the seasons of other people's lives and I'm grateful to be past that.

It's hard though.  Being okay with standing still is hard when you get caught up in the thrill, the excitement, the cheer, the acceleration all around you.  I haven't mastered it yet.  Today, I'm seeking grace for the dichotomy - the balance between happiness and a little bit of emptiness and disappointment. 

Today, I need to find the grace to move beyond my own insecurities and be selfless, to be Christlike.  I wonder if Jesus ever thought he was missing out on anything. 

You have a Father's heart
And a love that's wild
And You know what it's like to lose...

Sometimes I don't know
I don't know what You're doing
But I know who You are