Yesterday, I had a breakdown. Today, I want to quit. I think it's safe to say the two are related.
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Okay, so some background. I'm not a
terribly emotional person. Or at least, I don't display a lot of
emotion, but I've always felt it. As a child, I felt everything so
personally and completely that the whole world hurt, especially when
I was bullied. As a teenager, my world was falling apart and I had
to divorce myself from the real hurt. Unfortunately, I took that
opportunity to immerse myself in drama and created all kinds of other
problems from it. Thankfully, my memories are spotty from that time.
As an adult in my early- and mid-20s, I continued to be hurt and to
protect myself, I stopped, as best I could, showing my emotions. I
process all kinds of pain, sadness, even happiness internally and/or
with a very select few people around whom I feel comfortable.
Now, having said all that, I've been
making concentrated efforts over the last few years to be more
transparent and real because I see that that is healthy. I may not
be entirely comfortable around crying people, but I don't judge or
think of them any less respectfully because of their emotional
outworkings. That's just stupid, no? Well, I've been trying to
offer the same grace to myself.
A few more pertinent details:
- I've been considering adoption as a single woman for several years, but recently decided to move seriously in that direction. It's still several years (and a cross country move) off, but I'm proceeding confidently toward that goal and educating myself in all the areas I can think in the meantime.
- I've decided that I'd like to adopt a child somewhere between the ages of 3 and 10, likely a son, and I realized yesterday that he is probably already alive and experiencing the hurt and/or loss that must come before an adoption. (I'm cognisant of the fact that all adoption is a second best because it always stems from a broken situation and grief.) This is and remains especially devastating to me and has me a bit fragile.
- Each year, I choose an area of focus for my personal growth. This year, I'm purposing to care less about what other people might think of my Christian walk, since I know it is good and right for me at this place. There's truth in many sources, so this doesn't mean I discount their words, but assessment of my spiritual life is really only welcomed from trusted friends and mentors.
Okay, so yesterday, I was spending time
in celebration with a friend who recently passed a test and another
acquaintance from our group was there as well. This acquaintance is
notably pretty intense – even in public gatherings I've shied away
from getting close to her because outbursts that are perfectly normal
to her are totally overwhelming for an introvert like me.
I was late to the party because I'd
been sharing my recent adoption decisions with a close friend on the
phone, which my local friends saw. When I came in, I explained that
I was in a deep conversation and my acquaintance asked what about.
Because this is good news, I shared and was met with positive
feedback at first. Perhaps rightfully or at least honestly so, the
conversation turned to find out where my source of energy would come
from during the hardest times, since gumption and chutzpah can only
take you so far. I felt that I explained well that every good thing
in me comes from God, but that the change in thought processes will
be internal as it's a logical process.
Can I just stop for a second here? I
would like to note, for any record that is paying attention, that
being a good communicator is great, but creates WORLDS of frustration
when someone just doesn't get what you're saying. If 99% of the
world's population can understand me, I'm clearly doing okay.
Perhaps the other 1% isn't listening.
Speaking of not listening, my good
explanation apparently wasn't good enough. I contend that this is
probably because she wasn't listening. I'm sure she would differ.
Potato, po-tah-to, either way, it wasn't happening. On top of that,
said acquaintance is extremely talkative and continued to
aggressively point out that I needed a “source”. So when I tried
several ways to assert that I had answered the question, I got
frustrated and started to cry. Then I got embarrassed that I was
crying. Then the talker kept going around in circles and talking
about how she wasn't sure where my relationship with God was and how
if I believe in Him, He can be that source. It felt a lot like
proselytizing and judging my current relationship with God. It's
probably not fair to be upset that someone would try to proselytize,
but that requires an assumption that the person that you're speaking
to doesn't already rely on, believe in, trust, etc. God. I do. In a
way I can't describe, I do. So out went my “blow off anyone who
judges your faith” theory and in came a flood of frustrated, angry,
sad, and fragile tears. Then came more embarrassment for crying.
I tried to compose myself in the
bathroom and came back, hoping that all would be dropped, but alas, I
was disappointed. It started again, tears started again, and
eventually, I decided it's best to cut bait and hot footed it out of
there. I suspect that #CelebrationsWithLaura will not be at the top
of anyone's trending hashtag list in the near future.
Public Service Announcement: When
someone cries, it's time to either sit quietly and wait for them to
share or to change the subject entirely. Other acceptable actions
may include making a cup of tea, hugs, or providing tissues. This
may be the first lesson in the worldwide sensitivity training program
that I think I need to start.
Other Side Note: I want to clarify something
here, even if only for myself. I know that this woman wasn't
intending to be hurtful. She was communicating as she knows how,
which may happen to be in an insensitive way, but she wasn't aiming
to damage and destroy. Her words were pointier than my soft heart
was ready for and her failure to hear what I was trying to say could
probably be blamed on us both. While I do intend to avoid her for
the foreseeable future and beyond (if I can help it), it's not
because I'm not angry...it's because I'm embarrassed.
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Okay, so that's a really long
background story, but I think it informs my next few thoughts.
First, this is such a reinforcement of
the good, kind, loving, and supportive people in my life. Those who
know me best are entirely behind me and willing to help me however
they can. I'm so incredibly blessed with those people in my life and
need to learn to prioritize them in both thought and action in my
life. (Cue happy tears here.)
Second, maybe this is the natural
selection of friendships here in CA. Maybe I need to go through
painful incidents, where I'm misunderstood and feeling badgered, to
learn which friends here are in that category. Until now, I've been
a “Yes” girl, accepting virtually every invitation and scrap of
appreciation as I try to excavate a place for myself in my church and
in this new community. Perhaps a bit more selection and care is a
good thing. I can, again, practice being the kind of adult and
parent I want to be to my future child in the attention and affection
and friendships I accept and seek.
Last (or at least last for now), I need
to learn how to be soft better. I know how to be hard; I'm good at
it. I need to learn to be soft and pliable and gentle but still
strong. I need to develop surface tension to protect from attacks
and help to keep shape, but to still be willing to be affected and
changed.
All reflections aside, I think there's
only one viable conclusion to come to: I need to find a new
church. Ha, just kidding (sort of). It does make me want
to quit, though. While significantly less dramatic and sensitive, I
did have a similar thing happen at small group a few months ago where
someone thought I was insinuating that one could work their way to
heaven. This never even entered into the realm of possibility for
me, so it was an unthinkable conclusion and I was quite put off that
they would think I said that and insult my intelligence in that way.
I felt like quitting then, too. I apparently only like to be around
the people who understand me innately and/or actually listen when I
speak. That's a sarcastic, somewhat blame-shifting defense mechanism
at it's finest, right there, but there's a lot of truth in jokes.
I'm not going to quit. (I think.)
But I want to. And I can't spend too much time honoring that
feeling like I've been trying to do with my other emotions, because I
know it's a lie and an over-reaction, but I do want to recognize this
pattern.
Today, I need grace to forgive as I've
been forgiven, even when no harm was intended, and grace to extend to
myself for feeling things I can't fully process and explain, for
being “weak” and breakable, and for allowing others to see it.
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Last thing, promise: While I confided
in a few close friends and am processing in writing about the
gigantic hot mess, I don't really want to rehash this with either of
the girls that was there. I felt attacked and misunderstood by my
acquaintance and completely undefended by my closer friend. I went
through two similar (enough) situations in my mid-20s with very close
friends and tried to explain how things felt, and both situations
ended in the dissolution of those friendships. That was probably
right for those things and times, but my Pavolovian response is to
just shut up this time if I want a different outcome.
