Friday, March 29, 2013


The truth of the matter is this: I have been through worse.  I'm not saying that it, in any way, makes me feel better.  Or that I am somehow comforted by my previous sorrow, but I have survived very hard times and I am resilient.  Also, the older I get, the better an actress I am. 

The truth is, though, that I wish I didn't have to act.  I wish I could just be - with no crutch, no brace, no facade.  I, perhaps foolishly, hope that someday, I will be enough.

Today, I am praying for grace for the days of hopelessness.

Cause I'm broken when I'm open
I don't feel like I am strong enough

Monday, March 25, 2013

Happiness and Hyperventilating

I often come here as a sort of self-medication, to process bad news or feelings, or to pick apart some troublesome thought or fear.  Today isn't one of those days.  Today, in a series of meaningless minutia, has been a truly happy, joyous day, for very little reason at all.

Warning: Overshare on things that no one really cares about coming.

Generally speaking, my life is good.  I have few complaints, though I struggle through ideas and hopes that I really have no business questioning.  Sometimes I distrust God, particularly as it pertains to my future.  But the day to day living is easy and I'm glad to say that my days are filled with humor and accomplishment and loved ones, if a little freckled with insecurity and doubt.  Today, though, was an especially happy day - I accomplished things I hadn't tried before at work.  I feel like new friendships are budding.  I'm able to be honest - AND TACTFUL (All you who know me well can stop laughing now).  It's Free Iced Coffee Monday at Dunkin' Donuts.  What can I say?  I'm easily pleased.

The last thing that pleased me today, though, was to realize that I have a crush - a straight up, schoolgirl, absurd crush.  I called a friend after work today and told her, and laughed as much as I did when I was in middle school, probably blushing like I did then too, though I didn't stop to check.  It's a silly thing to make me happy but this is the root of it - I haven't felt truly hopeful in a long time.  Ever since my world was rocked almost 3 years ago now, I haven't met many new people and certainly none that would cause me to retreat to the simpler days of Trapper Keepers and J'nco Jeans.  But today, I felt hopeful.  I felt silly and giddy and anything but cynical.  Sure, doubt scratches at the door and tells me that nothing will happen of it, that I'm being immature, that I should really just stick in my everyday complacency, but I'm ignoring it.  I decided to ignore it.  I like feeling this way; I've missed the way it feels, something like a cool breeze on a hot day or a fireplace in the fall. 

After I made this decision, I made another decision to do the most logical thing I could do with a crush - investigate.  Imagine my surprise when I found that not only does said crush share my faith, but also my love for writing, and moreover, a similar style to writing.  When I called my friend to read her what I'd found, she spoke what I had been thinking: "It sounds like something you'd write."  Shenanigans, and perhaps some hyperventilating, ensued.  Just a happy coincidence, likely, but I enjoy the idea that they can happen, sort of like I enjoy the idea that an old friend of mine who I'd lost contact with turned out to be the kind of man I would want to marry.  He was engaged, and I was happy for him and continue to be so in his married life, but it was encouraging to see not only that he had grown into a great man of God but also that men like him did exist!  Apparently another one does too.  Color me elated.

So today's grace is for several things: for happiness, for hyperventilating, for occasional immaturity, for hope, for writing, for investigation, for inklings of doubt, and for putting off the starker reality of things until the morning.  Or maybe longer.  Maybe for as long as I can.