Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Change is hard. Especially when whatever you're changing from is pretty good. The control freak in me sees a change coming and does whatever it can to micromanage before it comes, but too many times in my life, I haven't been able to stop it. I guess because of that, I'm learning to accept it. Things change. People change. Relationships change. And that is really, truly, honestly okay.
My recent change in workplace has been a great change. On the surface, yes, it's great to not be on call all the time. The ridiculous amount of vacation is nice. Really though, I like most of what I do, or at least that I'm turning out to be okay/good at it, and I really like the people I work with. They're intelligent and hard working, at least for the most part, helpful and approachable. It's a great environment. Even though my brain rebelled against the change, it's been a good one.
Other changes are harder - relocating, losing friends, evolving faith, illnesses. These things require flexibility that most people have a hard time with and, for me, faith that I sometimes lack.
The hardest part of my life, though, is when it doesn't change and I want it to. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still in the middle of a drag strip, watching the people around me speed toward the next goal, next prize at the drop of handkerchief. And there's nothing I can do but wave to them in the distance and rejoice with them from afar. I'm glad to say that I can actually do that - there was a time in my life that jealousy kept me from enjoying the seasons of other people's lives and I'm grateful to be past that.
It's hard though. Being okay with standing still is hard when you get caught up in the thrill, the excitement, the cheer, the acceleration all around you. I haven't mastered it yet. Today, I'm seeking grace for the dichotomy - the balance between happiness and a little bit of emptiness and disappointment.
Today, I need to find the grace to move beyond my own insecurities and be selfless, to be Christlike. I wonder if Jesus ever thought he was missing out on anything.
You have a Father's heart
And a love that's wild
And You know what it's like to lose...
Sometimes I don't know
I don't know what You're doing
But I know who You are
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Brokenness
The truth of the matter is this: I have been through worse. I'm not saying that it, in any way, makes me feel better. Or that I am somehow comforted by my previous sorrow, but I have survived very hard times and I am resilient. Also, the older I get, the better an actress I am.
The truth is, though, that I wish I didn't have to act. I wish I could just be - with no crutch, no brace, no facade. I, perhaps foolishly, hope that someday, I will be enough.
Today, I am praying for grace for the days of hopelessness.
Cause I'm broken when I'm open
I don't feel like I am strong enough
-Seether
The truth is, though, that I wish I didn't have to act. I wish I could just be - with no crutch, no brace, no facade. I, perhaps foolishly, hope that someday, I will be enough.
Today, I am praying for grace for the days of hopelessness.
Cause I'm broken when I'm open
I don't feel like I am strong enough
-Seether
Monday, March 25, 2013
Happiness and Hyperventilating
I often come here as a sort of self-medication, to process bad news or feelings, or to pick apart some troublesome thought or fear. Today isn't one of those days. Today, in a series of meaningless minutia, has been a truly happy, joyous day, for very little reason at all.
Warning: Overshare on things that no one really cares about coming.
Generally speaking, my life is good. I have few complaints, though I struggle through ideas and hopes that I really have no business questioning. Sometimes I distrust God, particularly as it pertains to my future. But the day to day living is easy and I'm glad to say that my days are filled with humor and accomplishment and loved ones, if a little freckled with insecurity and doubt. Today, though, was an especially happy day - I accomplished things I hadn't tried before at work. I feel like new friendships are budding. I'm able to be honest - AND TACTFUL (All you who know me well can stop laughing now). It's Free Iced Coffee Monday at Dunkin' Donuts. What can I say? I'm easily pleased.
The last thing that pleased me today, though, was to realize that I have a crush - a straight up, schoolgirl, absurd crush. I called a friend after work today and told her, and laughed as much as I did when I was in middle school, probably blushing like I did then too, though I didn't stop to check. It's a silly thing to make me happy but this is the root of it - I haven't felt truly hopeful in a long time. Ever since my world was rocked almost 3 years ago now, I haven't met many new people and certainly none that would cause me to retreat to the simpler days of Trapper Keepers and J'nco Jeans. But today, I felt hopeful. I felt silly and giddy and anything but cynical. Sure, doubt scratches at the door and tells me that nothing will happen of it, that I'm being immature, that I should really just stick in my everyday complacency, but I'm ignoring it. I decided to ignore it. I like feeling this way; I've missed the way it feels, something like a cool breeze on a hot day or a fireplace in the fall.
After I made this decision, I made another decision to do the most logical thing I could do with a crush - investigate. Imagine my surprise when I found that not only does said crush share my faith, but also my love for writing, and moreover, a similar style to writing. When I called my friend to read her what I'd found, she spoke what I had been thinking: "It sounds like something you'd write." Shenanigans, and perhaps some hyperventilating, ensued. Just a happy coincidence, likely, but I enjoy the idea that they can happen, sort of like I enjoy the idea that an old friend of mine who I'd lost contact with turned out to be the kind of man I would want to marry. He was engaged, and I was happy for him and continue to be so in his married life, but it was encouraging to see not only that he had grown into a great man of God but also that men like him did exist! Apparently another one does too. Color me elated.
So today's grace is for several things: for happiness, for hyperventilating, for occasional immaturity, for hope, for writing, for investigation, for inklings of doubt, and for putting off the starker reality of things until the morning. Or maybe longer. Maybe for as long as I can.
Warning: Overshare on things that no one really cares about coming.
Generally speaking, my life is good. I have few complaints, though I struggle through ideas and hopes that I really have no business questioning. Sometimes I distrust God, particularly as it pertains to my future. But the day to day living is easy and I'm glad to say that my days are filled with humor and accomplishment and loved ones, if a little freckled with insecurity and doubt. Today, though, was an especially happy day - I accomplished things I hadn't tried before at work. I feel like new friendships are budding. I'm able to be honest - AND TACTFUL (All you who know me well can stop laughing now). It's Free Iced Coffee Monday at Dunkin' Donuts. What can I say? I'm easily pleased.
The last thing that pleased me today, though, was to realize that I have a crush - a straight up, schoolgirl, absurd crush. I called a friend after work today and told her, and laughed as much as I did when I was in middle school, probably blushing like I did then too, though I didn't stop to check. It's a silly thing to make me happy but this is the root of it - I haven't felt truly hopeful in a long time. Ever since my world was rocked almost 3 years ago now, I haven't met many new people and certainly none that would cause me to retreat to the simpler days of Trapper Keepers and J'nco Jeans. But today, I felt hopeful. I felt silly and giddy and anything but cynical. Sure, doubt scratches at the door and tells me that nothing will happen of it, that I'm being immature, that I should really just stick in my everyday complacency, but I'm ignoring it. I decided to ignore it. I like feeling this way; I've missed the way it feels, something like a cool breeze on a hot day or a fireplace in the fall.
After I made this decision, I made another decision to do the most logical thing I could do with a crush - investigate. Imagine my surprise when I found that not only does said crush share my faith, but also my love for writing, and moreover, a similar style to writing. When I called my friend to read her what I'd found, she spoke what I had been thinking: "It sounds like something you'd write." Shenanigans, and perhaps some hyperventilating, ensued. Just a happy coincidence, likely, but I enjoy the idea that they can happen, sort of like I enjoy the idea that an old friend of mine who I'd lost contact with turned out to be the kind of man I would want to marry. He was engaged, and I was happy for him and continue to be so in his married life, but it was encouraging to see not only that he had grown into a great man of God but also that men like him did exist! Apparently another one does too. Color me elated.
So today's grace is for several things: for happiness, for hyperventilating, for occasional immaturity, for hope, for writing, for investigation, for inklings of doubt, and for putting off the starker reality of things until the morning. Or maybe longer. Maybe for as long as I can.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Contentment
Have you ever had a moment where you stop, look around, and think "what the heck am I doing?" That happens to me more than I'd like to admit (i.e. singing like a fool at stoplights, dancing in public, and anytime I'm in front of a camera), but sometimes those moments are more meaningful than others.
Lately, I've been swing on a mad pendulum between extreme, all-consuming contentment and "what the heck am I doing?". During those peaceful moments, my satisfaction with my life is almost consuming, taking root in my soul and quenching my desire to do...just about anything really. A good book, a nice day, time with family friends, comfortable silence, pride in a job well done - there's any number of things that bring this on for me. Then, sometimes only an hour later, I take stock of what I'm doing and where I'm going and how far along I am, and it's the complete opposite - a gnawing, parasitic need for something sets in and I'm done. I don't always even know what I'm looking for, but it's just more...or different...or elsewhere. The best way I can describe it is "else".
I'm not sure what this says about me (except maybe that I could be prone to bipolar disorder) or if this applies to anyone else, but for now, I'm trying to find a bridge to get from "else" to satisfaction. Maybe some magical switch that changes my clawing desire to sated bliss. I'm sure there's grace for this - I don't think God ever intended for his people to be permanently in either state. I think at our best we are both fulfilled and searching, but I'm hoping for a less tumultuous (and less frequent) pendulum swing.
Lately, I've been swing on a mad pendulum between extreme, all-consuming contentment and "what the heck am I doing?". During those peaceful moments, my satisfaction with my life is almost consuming, taking root in my soul and quenching my desire to do...just about anything really. A good book, a nice day, time with family friends, comfortable silence, pride in a job well done - there's any number of things that bring this on for me. Then, sometimes only an hour later, I take stock of what I'm doing and where I'm going and how far along I am, and it's the complete opposite - a gnawing, parasitic need for something sets in and I'm done. I don't always even know what I'm looking for, but it's just more...or different...or elsewhere. The best way I can describe it is "else".
I'm not sure what this says about me (except maybe that I could be prone to bipolar disorder) or if this applies to anyone else, but for now, I'm trying to find a bridge to get from "else" to satisfaction. Maybe some magical switch that changes my clawing desire to sated bliss. I'm sure there's grace for this - I don't think God ever intended for his people to be permanently in either state. I think at our best we are both fulfilled and searching, but I'm hoping for a less tumultuous (and less frequent) pendulum swing.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Vulnerability
The sad fact of today: Unless something major changes, I am likely going to end up alone. And it will be my fault.
Sad realization of today: I can't even be vulnerable to my family. The people who are supposed to inspire and foster vulnerability are perhaps the same as those who I feel least comfortable being vulnerable around. How backwards is that?
I can do most kinds of vulnerability - just not with the same person, or even the same group of people. If you could take 8-10 people from different areas of my life and compare truths and openness as it relates to me, you'd probably have a good picture of who I am. But there is no place that those 8-10 meet except in those very real parts of who I am. After (literally) years, sometimes one person might get a few more areas than originally were offered, but never all.
Will I ever be able to be truly vulnerable to someone? This is usually the part of my supposedly-vulnerable blog (that no one reads) where I push the non-reader away and make a generalization or funny comment, but tonight, I'm just afraid. If I can't let myself be vulnerable, I'm afraid my worst fear will come true and I will end up alone. But what is worse: vulnerability betrayed or life alone?
I just don't know. :(
Sad realization of today: I can't even be vulnerable to my family. The people who are supposed to inspire and foster vulnerability are perhaps the same as those who I feel least comfortable being vulnerable around. How backwards is that?
I can do most kinds of vulnerability - just not with the same person, or even the same group of people. If you could take 8-10 people from different areas of my life and compare truths and openness as it relates to me, you'd probably have a good picture of who I am. But there is no place that those 8-10 meet except in those very real parts of who I am. After (literally) years, sometimes one person might get a few more areas than originally were offered, but never all.
Will I ever be able to be truly vulnerable to someone? This is usually the part of my supposedly-vulnerable blog (that no one reads) where I push the non-reader away and make a generalization or funny comment, but tonight, I'm just afraid. If I can't let myself be vulnerable, I'm afraid my worst fear will come true and I will end up alone. But what is worse: vulnerability betrayed or life alone?
I just don't know. :(
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Disappearing
Wow, almost 3 months? Yeah, I guess that's kind of my style. At least I'll tell you it is if I'm going for honest.
Tonight, I'm definitely going for honest. I'm going for deep, sack-you-in-the-gut honest, because a) flattery isn't really all that flattering, and b) more than ever, I'm finding that anything less will leave you unsatisfied and unhappy.
How do you start it, though? How do you, or maybe I should say, do you tell someone that you don't trust them or that you feel patronized by them or that you'd rather just go it alone? Is it better to bring it up and put it out there, risking the calm facade (which is semi-bearable, if not fulfilling) in hopes that addressing the awkward can help you move forward to something better? And then, the last bitter twist to the quandary, what if you don't really believe that those hopes can be realized, given the people involved? Is it better to risk it for something that looks unlikely or to try to find a way to grin and bear it? I just don't know the answer anymore. And maybe I'm a coward, but my response is to duck and run. Or tuck and roll. Or something of the sort. If the question is to fish or cut bait, I'm going to cut bait. And then, I'm going to move into my panic room. That's right, this coward doesn't just run, she runs and hides. Maybe it's the easy way out, but I'm not in the best place right now and I'm not ready to deal with recent situations at work in a detached, professional way yet, so I'm just going to pull a classic Laura and retreat to what I know, avoiding the minefield altogether. I may never get to the other side, but I won't get burned or blown up in the process. Ugh, I even disgust myself.
That said, I've had 2 people now tell me that my employment (whether it be the actual work agreement, the people there, the team I work with, or the job I do) means too much to me. If one person brings up something, it doesn't necessarily get ignored, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it if I don't break it down and analyze. When more than one person brings it up (especially if the two or more people are unrelated in any way), then it's time to hash it out. So beware, I'm about to. In writing. And it will, like most of my thought processes, probably be long. Consider yourself forewarned.
I'm logical by nature so lets start with the facts. Employment is important to me. I have a job. One of my top life priorities is to excel at my job and be the best <fill in current employment position here> I can be. I spend more waking hours at work each week than I do anywhere else. In the last year or so, I have lost many friends in my personal life. Outside of work, I have few expectations of me or regular commitments to fulfill. I tend to bring work home with me. Part of my identity is found in what I do for a living, where I do it, and how well I do it.
It's a recipe for disaster.
I may not see it exactly how the people who brought it up to me do, but I'm realizing that I may put undue importance on not just being good at my job, but on having "friends" there or "being a part of things" there. It's a mental process that I've been sorting through for some time to break out of that and realize that socially accepted or not, I am a part of things there and perform an important function. Granted, some of that function could probably be completed by a monkey who would then "be part of things" there, but some of it is unique and can't be done by just anyone, but I can do it. What I'm really struggling with is how I can still value my work ethic and be who I am (neuroses about being a good employee and all) but remain aloof enough to not care whether those traits and skills of mine are recognized and appreciated. How can I still be the person and employee I am without losing sight of the fact that my employment is really only a trade - hours for money? And I struggle, because ideally - truly ideally, as in the very best thing that could happen - I would find a profession that doesn't just benefit from my personal beliefs and convictions regarding employment, but needs them, thrives on them. Something like a pastor or a social worker or an activist. Except I'm not cut out for any of those things. It's all left me feeling like I'm not ever going to be able to just be at peace at a job. Or like a job will never cut it.
And that's terrifying in its own right. My job is really all I have right now. Honestly - the unflattering, bare bones, open wounds kind of honestly - I'm lonely. I have several good friends who are local, and I spend time with them, but they're busy with their own lives, trying to find a balance. I have too much time and not enough to do. I'm lonely. I'm watching the people around me move on with their lives to bigger and better things, and I can't even bring myself to go to a church regularly because I've been so paralyzed by the pain cause by Christians that I feel like I have no more will to try. How does that hurt heal? How do you forget how awful people have been and get past the fact that they still get to live in the perfect world you used to live in? How do you forgive someone who not only doesn't ask for it, but also gloats about being right in the face of your pain? And if I could, if I could somehow reconnect to the world around me in a real and tangible way, would it matter? I would still be the same person I am now, with the same dreams and hopes and fears and priorities, but I'd just be one with a support system of sorts. If I had that, would my job mean less to me? Would I get worse at it?
Does it matter? Being a part of a body of believers seems like a pipe dream to me anymore, however depressing that is. Maybe God will change me on that and give me grace to move on from what's happened before, but right now, it seems unlikely. And in the interim, I guess I can try and make the finer points of my employment matter less to me and think of it as a trade, but if I cut that out too, what's left? If I keep trimming who I am and what once mattered to me from my life, soon I won't be anyone at all.
Tonight, I'm definitely going for honest. I'm going for deep, sack-you-in-the-gut honest, because a) flattery isn't really all that flattering, and b) more than ever, I'm finding that anything less will leave you unsatisfied and unhappy.
How do you start it, though? How do you, or maybe I should say, do you tell someone that you don't trust them or that you feel patronized by them or that you'd rather just go it alone? Is it better to bring it up and put it out there, risking the calm facade (which is semi-bearable, if not fulfilling) in hopes that addressing the awkward can help you move forward to something better? And then, the last bitter twist to the quandary, what if you don't really believe that those hopes can be realized, given the people involved? Is it better to risk it for something that looks unlikely or to try to find a way to grin and bear it? I just don't know the answer anymore. And maybe I'm a coward, but my response is to duck and run. Or tuck and roll. Or something of the sort. If the question is to fish or cut bait, I'm going to cut bait. And then, I'm going to move into my panic room. That's right, this coward doesn't just run, she runs and hides. Maybe it's the easy way out, but I'm not in the best place right now and I'm not ready to deal with recent situations at work in a detached, professional way yet, so I'm just going to pull a classic Laura and retreat to what I know, avoiding the minefield altogether. I may never get to the other side, but I won't get burned or blown up in the process. Ugh, I even disgust myself.
That said, I've had 2 people now tell me that my employment (whether it be the actual work agreement, the people there, the team I work with, or the job I do) means too much to me. If one person brings up something, it doesn't necessarily get ignored, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it if I don't break it down and analyze. When more than one person brings it up (especially if the two or more people are unrelated in any way), then it's time to hash it out. So beware, I'm about to. In writing. And it will, like most of my thought processes, probably be long. Consider yourself forewarned.
I'm logical by nature so lets start with the facts. Employment is important to me. I have a job. One of my top life priorities is to excel at my job and be the best <fill in current employment position here> I can be. I spend more waking hours at work each week than I do anywhere else. In the last year or so, I have lost many friends in my personal life. Outside of work, I have few expectations of me or regular commitments to fulfill. I tend to bring work home with me. Part of my identity is found in what I do for a living, where I do it, and how well I do it.
It's a recipe for disaster.
I may not see it exactly how the people who brought it up to me do, but I'm realizing that I may put undue importance on not just being good at my job, but on having "friends" there or "being a part of things" there. It's a mental process that I've been sorting through for some time to break out of that and realize that socially accepted or not, I am a part of things there and perform an important function. Granted, some of that function could probably be completed by a monkey who would then "be part of things" there, but some of it is unique and can't be done by just anyone, but I can do it. What I'm really struggling with is how I can still value my work ethic and be who I am (neuroses about being a good employee and all) but remain aloof enough to not care whether those traits and skills of mine are recognized and appreciated. How can I still be the person and employee I am without losing sight of the fact that my employment is really only a trade - hours for money? And I struggle, because ideally - truly ideally, as in the very best thing that could happen - I would find a profession that doesn't just benefit from my personal beliefs and convictions regarding employment, but needs them, thrives on them. Something like a pastor or a social worker or an activist. Except I'm not cut out for any of those things. It's all left me feeling like I'm not ever going to be able to just be at peace at a job. Or like a job will never cut it.
And that's terrifying in its own right. My job is really all I have right now. Honestly - the unflattering, bare bones, open wounds kind of honestly - I'm lonely. I have several good friends who are local, and I spend time with them, but they're busy with their own lives, trying to find a balance. I have too much time and not enough to do. I'm lonely. I'm watching the people around me move on with their lives to bigger and better things, and I can't even bring myself to go to a church regularly because I've been so paralyzed by the pain cause by Christians that I feel like I have no more will to try. How does that hurt heal? How do you forget how awful people have been and get past the fact that they still get to live in the perfect world you used to live in? How do you forgive someone who not only doesn't ask for it, but also gloats about being right in the face of your pain? And if I could, if I could somehow reconnect to the world around me in a real and tangible way, would it matter? I would still be the same person I am now, with the same dreams and hopes and fears and priorities, but I'd just be one with a support system of sorts. If I had that, would my job mean less to me? Would I get worse at it?
Does it matter? Being a part of a body of believers seems like a pipe dream to me anymore, however depressing that is. Maybe God will change me on that and give me grace to move on from what's happened before, but right now, it seems unlikely. And in the interim, I guess I can try and make the finer points of my employment matter less to me and think of it as a trade, but if I cut that out too, what's left? If I keep trimming who I am and what once mattered to me from my life, soon I won't be anyone at all.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
It's getting a little funky around here...
So lately, I've been in a funk. And not in the good, "get up off that thing, James Brown" kind of way, but an "ew, what's that funky smell in the fridge" kind of way.
My birthday is a week from today. Usually, for those of you who don't know, I LOVE my birthday. I try to stretch it into a whole week with festivities. I'm awkward about receiving gifts, but I love that it's a time when I get to see the people in my life that I rarely see, when people make time in their schedules to be a part of my life for a day, or a night, or whatever. I'll probably grow out of it at some point, but so far, I'm not so sure I want to.
This year, I'm down. I'm turning 25. I have a decent job. I'm working on my education - slowly, of course, but working. I'm pretty okay with most of my life, but for the last 2 weeks or so, I have been absolutely, earth-shakingly, depressingly lonely. It's actually a little pathetic, if I'm being honest. It's like I can't function, which certainly isn't helping with the whole "get over yourself" thing.
See, when I was a teenager, or at least until 17 or so, I didn't want to get married or do anything domestic. I thought so differently than I do now. But after I became a Christian, God totally changed my heart. I want to be married. I want to be a mom. I want to experience familial relationships. I want to tell my kids that I WILL turn this car around. I want to make cupcakes for school snacks. The domestic part of me awakened, and I think that it's God-given, like He's called me to something common, but good and as designed.
I always said (since I said I want kids anyway) that I really want to be a younger mom, one who can still play with her kids in sandbox and come up with cool ideas for them. It doesn't really upset me that I haven't reached that stage in life, but lately, having been single for a long time and with not a single even potential prospect for relationship in my life, I feel like I'm going to die alone. And if that's exaggerating, I definitely question whether I will be able to be the young mom I've always wanted to be.
I'm almost 25. And even if I met and started dating someone tomorrow (which is EXTREMELY unlikely), I'm thinking I'd be at least 30 before I could/would have kids anyway. And that's not considering that I'd really like to adopt and there's a lot of time involved with that. Nor is it considering that even if I had a biological at 30ish, it'd be a few years before I could actually play in the sandbox. Okay, I'm going to stop crunching numbers in my head now, because I'm getting more depressed.
So anyway, all this to say that I'm in the funk, neck-deep. I can't figure out how to get out. I'm trying (if that's even a legitimate thing to do) to trust God, to be still and know that not only is He God, but He is God who loves me, has a plan for humanity that includes me, and has the power to work miracles that I can't even imagine. I'm trying. I'm trying to distract myself with other good things. I'm trying to dig my way from the funk, but I'm just living there. And I think I'm starting to grow mold that might cure a disease some day.
I'm praying, though surely not enough, for grace, because I'm at a loss for it. I've got it in spades for the people around me, but the only thing I have for myself lately is self-pity and some good berating.
Here's to hoping that you're not living in your own funk, but if you are, please share the ladder.
My birthday is a week from today. Usually, for those of you who don't know, I LOVE my birthday. I try to stretch it into a whole week with festivities. I'm awkward about receiving gifts, but I love that it's a time when I get to see the people in my life that I rarely see, when people make time in their schedules to be a part of my life for a day, or a night, or whatever. I'll probably grow out of it at some point, but so far, I'm not so sure I want to.
This year, I'm down. I'm turning 25. I have a decent job. I'm working on my education - slowly, of course, but working. I'm pretty okay with most of my life, but for the last 2 weeks or so, I have been absolutely, earth-shakingly, depressingly lonely. It's actually a little pathetic, if I'm being honest. It's like I can't function, which certainly isn't helping with the whole "get over yourself" thing.
See, when I was a teenager, or at least until 17 or so, I didn't want to get married or do anything domestic. I thought so differently than I do now. But after I became a Christian, God totally changed my heart. I want to be married. I want to be a mom. I want to experience familial relationships. I want to tell my kids that I WILL turn this car around. I want to make cupcakes for school snacks. The domestic part of me awakened, and I think that it's God-given, like He's called me to something common, but good and as designed.
I always said (since I said I want kids anyway) that I really want to be a younger mom, one who can still play with her kids in sandbox and come up with cool ideas for them. It doesn't really upset me that I haven't reached that stage in life, but lately, having been single for a long time and with not a single even potential prospect for relationship in my life, I feel like I'm going to die alone. And if that's exaggerating, I definitely question whether I will be able to be the young mom I've always wanted to be.
I'm almost 25. And even if I met and started dating someone tomorrow (which is EXTREMELY unlikely), I'm thinking I'd be at least 30 before I could/would have kids anyway. And that's not considering that I'd really like to adopt and there's a lot of time involved with that. Nor is it considering that even if I had a biological at 30ish, it'd be a few years before I could actually play in the sandbox. Okay, I'm going to stop crunching numbers in my head now, because I'm getting more depressed.
So anyway, all this to say that I'm in the funk, neck-deep. I can't figure out how to get out. I'm trying (if that's even a legitimate thing to do) to trust God, to be still and know that not only is He God, but He is God who loves me, has a plan for humanity that includes me, and has the power to work miracles that I can't even imagine. I'm trying. I'm trying to distract myself with other good things. I'm trying to dig my way from the funk, but I'm just living there. And I think I'm starting to grow mold that might cure a disease some day.
I'm praying, though surely not enough, for grace, because I'm at a loss for it. I've got it in spades for the people around me, but the only thing I have for myself lately is self-pity and some good berating.
Here's to hoping that you're not living in your own funk, but if you are, please share the ladder.
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