Hoot, hoot.

You know that commercial for Tootsie Roll pops with the owl who counts the licks?  He always starts counting, but never makes it past 3 before he chomps down and bites through, proclaiming that three licks is all it takes.  I can't say that I frequently identify with cartoons, but for the last few days, I've definitely been feeling like the Tootsie Roll owl.

How many times in my life have I gone and rushed ahead, even when I start out absolutely determined to take it slow, give it time, and "let" God have His way (as if I have a choice in the matter...)?  Most of my life, really.  I consider myself to be intelligent, hard-working, and driven - all traits that can be great when they're put toward a worthy cause - but those same virtues often come back to bite me when the thing that I desire is fleeting, selfish, and/or just plain wrong?  And who among us, myself chiefly, doesn't have fleeting, selfish, wrong desires? 

I've been thinking about it lately in both a historical context and a present one.  Historically, I have made bad choices and used my gusto, if you will, to chase after them.  I have pushed down walls that were likely there as protection.  I have ignored my better sense (conviction) in favor of what was easier, more "fun", and more immediate.  Specifically, I have been thinking about my hoot owl friend in regard to the present, and how it affects the future.  Sometimes, while the things I can see myself with in the future - a husband, a family, maybe even a ministry, locally or abroad - while these things are good things, and God-given desires, my timing clashes with God's, and they can be a distraction, some even so far as sin in my life.  Not that the desires are sinful, but rather that my focus is lost in the future and I miss the important things happening now.  I forget to be involved with the people around me personally, taking time to care about them and try to be a reflection of Christ in their lives.  I question God's sovereignty, not in an unequivocal, "He must not care" way, but in a "what are you thinking, God?" kind of way.  While I know He is up to facing my scrutiny, I also know that my attitude remains hardly reverent, and certainly not fearful in the way that creates wisdom.  I push, shove, and move mountains, only to find that what was on the other side wasn't what I wanted anyway.

It had me wondering: when will I learn to legitimately, in practice and in word, full trust God?  Or sometimes, I go so far as to wonder if I ever will, or if my potential-gifts will be my downfall.

I guess until God gets me there (since I clearly haven't found the right map yet), I'll have to make my mantra "hoot, hoot."